Soccer is Too Pedestrian

Why hasn't soccer caught on in the US? Because it's boring. Wait, before you stab me in the face and scream "GOOOOOAAAALLLL" hear me out.

The problem with America and soccer starts with the size of the field. It's just too big. There's way too much mundane shit between initial ball possession and scoring. I mean, let's face it, the average distance a soccer player covers between kickoff and a goal is a lot farther than most Americans are willing to walk in a week. Hell, most people would collapse and starve if you told them you had to walk from goal to mid-field for their next cheeseburger. No, watching soccer is like watching anthological full contact karate. Instead of watching two well trained masters squaring off across a mat the contestants start out asleep in bed in their respective apartments. The action begins with them stretching, then yawning, then rubbing their eyes, and then...they get out of bed! There's some non-action as they brush their teeth, take a shower, dry off, and drink some coffee. But stuff picks up when they go looking for their car keys and catch "local on the eights" on the weather channel. Then they run a few errands on their way to the dojo, and right after they pick up their dry cleaning and grab a latte at Starbucks they realize they have a match in 20 minutes so things get pretty exciting. The pace picks up as they pull into the gym parking lot and and grab their bag out of the trunk. You're on the edge of your seat as they display their gym membership card and sprint into the locker room to change into their gi. EVERYONE is on their feet screaming as the contestants make their way to the mat and settle down into their stance, ready to pounce. They glare at each other, faces twitching in anticipation of the battle that awaits them. Carefully and deliberately they step towards each other. One draws back with clenched fist, the other recoils and prepares to block. Suddenly, limbs fly in all directions and in less than a second they make contact. Then the referee blows the whistle and both contestants go back to their dressing rooms. They take a shower and go home, ready to repeat the whole thing tomorrow.

There you go, for most Americans that's the equivalent of the first two hours of every soccer game.