Up at 2am
Take out trash/compost
Get on the Blueshuttle
Arrive at BWI
Watch asshole flyer fight with asshole ticket taker way longer and fiercer than anyone should at 3am
Fly to Raleigh NC
Realize Raleigh NC is a useless town because it's also only 10 degrees in full sunlight
Poop in Raleigh Airport's surprisingly nice bathroom
Get on a plane so old that it probably was used to bomb Union soldiers
Fly south
Realize the 50+ year old couple next to me are completely hammered at 9am
Drunk husband starts taking selfies with his passed out wife
Wife wakes up and wants to talk
Try to ignore them and read
The wife keeps drunkenly engaging me
Keep ignoring them
Fuck it
Decide to join them
Order gin and tonic
Try to join them
Fail
Try again
Fail
Try to remember what I set out to do in the first place
Realize i can't keep up
Listen intently as (can't remember her name) pours her heart and soul out to me about their kids
Watch her rum and cokes go from coke-colored to teaspoon-of-coke-in-a-glass-of-rum colored
Mediate a near argument between the flight attendant and 50+ year old marine husband guy over lack of rum
Rejoice when the flight attendant steals rum from first class (fuck them)
Help 50+ yro woman use the bathroom
Wait patiently for her to finish
Pull her out of the bathroom when she opens the door yelling WHY WONT IT FLUSH!?! while she punches the "Put Trash Here" flap
I use the bathroom
Realized after I come back from the bathroom that 50+ yro couple has (either deliberately or mistakenly) poured rum into my gin and tonic
Let bygones be bygones and finish the drink
Listen uncomfortably as 50+ yro woman rants about having to sit next to overweight people on plane
Nail a deadpan cold expression as i explain that my girlfriend isn't sitting with me because she's sitting up front in a special wheel chair because she's too big to fit in a normal seat
Tell 50+ yro woman I'm kidding just before she starts crying
Buy a micro can of Pringles for $4 because someone said "we should probably eat something"
Count the Pringles and realize they're over $.10 each
Realize the 50+ yro couple has eaten all my Pringles
Bribe the attendant for more rum
Realize we're landing and 50+ yro woman has passed out
Try to wake her to help put on her seatbelt, husband tells me "don't bother"
We land
We taxi
We sit
We sit
Husband starts demanding that they open the doors
Flight attendant reminds husband that there's children around him
He persists
I unbuckle my seatbelt
She tells me to put it back on
I beg to use the bathroom
Husband drops his "open the doors" cause and takes up my cause by repeating "let the guy pee" over and over
The flight attendant relents
I use the bathroom and slip her a $20 on my way out "thanks for not diverting the flight"
They open all the doors we get off the plane
It's warm
Last time I saw the 50+ yro couple she was staggering around at one end of the airport while her husband was staggering around the other end saying "I lost my wife"
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