House Republicans Read The Constitution

Good evening distinguished ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us in this historic moment. Let's get right down to it. So...where is the constitution? What? What? Speak up kid. Online? Do we have the internets here? We do? There's no computer up here. I can't hear you. What? What's an iPad? No, I don't- I don't have a laptop. No one printed it? Really? ....bear with us folks we uh, we didn't- oh, he printed it? Great. THIS? Good God, is this it? Is it double-spaced? That seems really long. Wow, front and back. That's great. -sigh- Settle in folks, I uh, we honestly had no idea it was this long.

Okay, let's do this.... We the people of the United States comma in order to f- What? Oh, okay, don't say comma. You're right, sounds better. Okay, we the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union...is that...that's perfect like God right? Yeah, I'm sure that's what they meant. Ah where was I -mumble- perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility...what the hell does that even mean? Uh, provide for the common defense, okay that part I remember. Promote general welfare-whoah, whoah, whoah, are you sure this is right? Welfare? Really? Okay then. Uh, and secure the blessings of liberty and our posterity and establish this constitution for the United States of America. Article one section one. All legislative powers heroin granted shall be- What? That's what it says, heroin. Look, it's right there. Ohhhh, herein. Yeah, that does make more sense. Okay, powers HEREIN granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate and House of Representatives. So far so good.

Section two...very wordy. Uh let's just make the bullet points on this paragraph "chosen every two years" and "you have to be 25 to get on this ride". Blah, blah, blah, Oh- Represtatives and direct taxes, this sounds important. Representatives and direct taxes shall be apportioned among the several states which may be included within this union, according to their respective numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole number of free persons, including those bound to service for a term and excluding Indians not taxed and three fifths of all other persons. Well...this seems like a good time to take a break. I'll be right back. Are they booing me?