I see a world....

So you may have noticed a lot of folks have gone a little gun crazy since Obama took office. Or possibly you don't know any gun owning folks or even lurk in forums where gun ownership comes up occasionally. I'm not going to go into the stupidity of the self fulfilling prophecy of how the gun buying panic led to shortages that ended up being self assuring vindication of some peoples paranoia that Obama was going to personally come to their house and take their guns. Full disclosure here, I don't own any guns, not that I'm afraid of them or lack experience with them, I just don't see the need for them. The only time I can think of needing one was when my house was robbed. But I wasn't home then and more than likely they would have stolen my gun along with everything else they took. Now, my stand on gun control has always been summed up as a pretty simple mantra “Be responsible, enjoy your guns, and don't shoot anyone who's not shooting at you.” I always follow that mantra with “But if you accidentally shoot someone innocent, fuck you, you're a murderer. Have fun in jail.”
But I'm not immune to concept of personal firearms being a deterrent to crime. I think it's something we should all consider, if for nothing else at least as an exercise in open mindedness. And I'm especially looking at those of us on the left who typically take a zero tolerance approach to gun ownership. Yeah, you. Pay attention. Zero tolerance is almost never a good idea, unless you think perpetual conflict is an acceptable norm.
So here's my compromise, gun ownership and use should be limited to the most vulnerable members of our society, senior citizens. Hang on, hear me out now. I can already see that both sides are hyperventilating and foaming at the mouth. Under my compromise when you turn 65 you can go down to your local post office and fill out a “Senior Armament” application. All that's necessary is knowing your own name and address and being able to hold a pen. After the prerequisite one hour waiting period you'll be issued your own personal protection kit. This kit will include one American made semi automatic handgun (you can choose Colt or S&W), holster (you can choose hip, shoulder or ankle), one clip of ammo, and a pamphlet on proper use and maintenance of your weapon.
Now here's where you're going to need to stick with me, because those of you on the right are probably already a little suspect because I'm asking you to effectively register a weapon which I know you guys think is step one, just before being herded into concentration camps. And lefties, I see you twitching in the corner over there. Remember, just having a gun doesn't constitute conspiracy to commit murder. Are we all ok? Keeping it together? Good. Because here's where my plan goes from mere compromise to completely brilliant.
Along with your personal protection kit you also get a Capital Prosecution Waiver (CPW). This entitles you to kill someone with no repercussions. Stopping at a yield sign: bang, dead. Didn't extend the courtesy of holding the door for someone: bang, dead. 25 items in the 10 items or less checkout: bang, dead. In fact, you don't even have to give a reason, you just need to stick around and take responsibility for the killing (so the police don't waste time searching for a murderer). When the police arrive you just show them your CPW card, they'll punch it, indicating you've committed your homicide for the year. Oh, did I forget to mention that part? Yeah, you only get to kill one person per year. It resets annually so you can't save them up and go on a 75th birthday killing spree. You can't sell it or otherwise relinquish ownership of it. Use it or lose it. Also, if the person you shoot doesn't die you don't get your card punched. So if after you unload a clip on that punk with the ridiculously loud bass in his car, if he ends up making it, you're free to visit him in intensive care and finish him off. Or you can just drop by and show him that your card hasn't been punched and ask him to kindly turn his stereo down.
Now, getting your card punched doesn't mean you lose your gun. Even without a valid CPW card you're free to flash your gun for whatever reason you like. You can even shoot someone, you just can't kill them. Killing someone without a valid CWP card is murder and you'll be treated like any other non senior citizen who kills someone.
See, the Toolbag Senior Armament Act of 2011 (I plan to begin lobbying in 2010) will allow senior citizens more respect and freedom than they've ever had before. If you don't feel like waiting for the bus walk up to someone at a stop light and flash your CPW card, chances are they'll give you a ride to wherever you're going. If customer services is giving you a hard time about returning that toaster that's a day out of warranty just flash your CPW card, they'll refund it as fast as they can open the register.
I see a bright future for America under the TSAA. I see young people nervously offering to wash the cars and mow the lawns of the elderly just to stay on their good side. I see a world where the elderly, the frail and the infirm no longer need to ask for basic courtesy and respect, they'll demand it and they'll receive it.

-toolbag jones